Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
And you hear the roar of a dragon as Cuth has come home.
You guys have all found where you're hiding.
You hear multiple sets of footsteps coming down the hall.
The alarm has gone off quite a while ago.
Quick, swift strike.
You cleave his head off and the helmeted skull clangs to the ground.
It's just you're in a room of gore now.
I love it.
If you want to get out of the gore, you have to get on top of the bed though.
Hey, oh, hey, behind the statue, there's a bunch of gold in here.
Guys, do you think this might be Cuth's treasure hoard?
Could be.
Seems like it.
Flint, you are crossing the room to retrieve this crossbow.
Nularaaaa, you are walking over to the globe.
As you are crossing the room, you see a ripple in the water.
Ripple.
And emerging from the water is a giant green dragon with a elven male sitting on its back.
Fuck.
The dragon lets forth its poison breath.
Neren Bane jumps off of his back and Cuth flies up to the wall.
We know your dad.
He's really disappointed in you.
My father doesn't know what's coming to him.
So, Cuth hops down and eyes up Nularaaaa.
Of course he does.
Cuth lets forth his poison breath.
Nularaaaa, you see drop to the ground.
Hey friends, I'm dead.
Cuth's turn.
He hears the call from Neren Bane and he flies down to Neren Bane.
You may have won this battle, but the war is knocking at your door.
Cuth dives into the lake and disappears.
Thaddeus runs over to Nularaaaa and casts Revivify.
Yay!
Knowing that you came close to death, you will have to fight again even harder
to make sure the Cult of the Dragon does not achieve their goal.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We are a fifth edition actual play podcast.
I am your dungeon master Russ More and with me today with a lovely cough is Amy More.
Hey!
Yeah, sorry about this.
I just couldn't cancel on you guys.
So, I'm going to force you to listen to my horribleness.
Love you.
We'll try and edit out much of it.
We'll see.
Also with us, Carla Johnson.
Cough Johnson.
Calm Lonson.
Tarla Johnson.
Carla Johnson.
That's me.
I play Nularaaaa Moonbrook.
And Tom Lair.
That's me.
I play Flint Firebeard.
That's me, says Italian Tom.
Spicy beard.
Hey guys.
How are you doing over there?
Not in cough zone.
I'm doing real good here, Russ.
I don't know why Tom just said that's a spicy beard, but I liked it.
I liked it.
Well, because he's got a red beard, right?
Yeah.
It's spicy.
It's spicy, I guess.
Beard.
It's the spice of life.
That's the old saying.
Next month is Women in Table Topping, Table Topping Gaming Month.
No.
Women in Table Topping Gaming Month.
Table Topping Gaming Monthing.
It's women who go around and they flip tables at different establishments.
And just yell women.
And they like checkers and monopoly.
And it's just everywhere.
Let's do the game.
This is like a super fun bonus web video.
Yes.
Totally.
Just Amy and I going to random places.
Just going to different women.
Sounds amazing.
I'm in.
So that's what our bonus episodes are going to be.
It's just Carla and Amy.
Maybe Tom's tagging along too.
Well, Tom has to be my videographer.
Somebody needs to have the camera.
This is all put on by our good friend David Ginsburg from the Tales from the Fandom podcast.
And it's a month long celebration of women in tabletop gaming.
So Amy and Carla will be recording as DMs their very own one-shot episodes with us.
So four EPS that month.
Two regular and two bonuses.
It's crazy.
Well, and there will be a Patreon episode that month too.
And a Patreon episode.
So if you're a patron in June, you get five episodes from us.
You're going to be so sick of us.
Who planned this out?
You'll be so happy.
I got to edit all those episodes.
Quick, let's get to this episode so I can go work.
You can see the look on Russ's face right now.
He is terrified.
No, it'll be fine.
Fuck it, guys.
Let's play some D&D.
So you guys are standing in the middle of Cooth's Lair.
The vines and the thorny bushes are starting to wither away.
I light one on fire just because I'm pissed off.
Yeah, totally.
I'm pissed off.
Burst into flames.
And you're just in this room.
What are you doing?
Can I try and figure out what my globe is?
Uh huh.
Like right now?
You want to figure that out right now?
I think I actually, because dragons are one of my favorite enemies,
I think I actually get like no shit about them.
You know.
I know shit.
Okay, I'm trying to uh,
I have advantage on intelligence checks about them.
But if this isn't about them, that's fine.
I wouldn't say it's directly related to the dragon itself.
Okay.
Am I doing investigation?
Yeah, do an investigation check.
That's 17.
I want it to check in case,
like what if it's like,
I just like crack it open and everyone's healed to like and gets 10 extra hit points.
You know, like those kind of things you put in game for us.
Not really.
Just in case.
It's probably just like a fog machine for our next party.
Oh, that would be amazing.
That would be.
Although you know it would have started to fog as soon as like the dragon came in from the water, right?
That's true.
Yeah.
And it's like bluetooth hooked up to is like stereo.
Yeah.
I'm not sure why Eye of the Tiger is coming up.
Hey, of course it is.
The dragon had to get pumped to come kill us.
Yeah.
You're looking over this globe and it's dusty you'd say because it's been sitting in a dragon's hoard for probably quite some time.
And you run your hands along it and you kind of clear away some of that dirt and dust.
And you feel what is a bit of an inscription and you clear it away and you see a word.
What word do you see?
Probably the best word that I know, which is dragon's lair.
Oh, she did a fake cough and it set off like some real, real, real coughs.
I'm going to fix something.
It says banana.
That's my go-to word always.
It doesn't say dragon's lair, are you sure?
Are you sure it's not a ball that when you throw it at a dragon it like, I don't know, slays it or something?
That can't be what it is.
Oh God, if it is then that's amazing.
Because wouldn't he steal something that would harm him to keep it safe in his lair?
That's true.
You've heard of sleigh bells before.
This is just a sleigh ball.
So yeah, the inscription in fact is banana.
Do you say that word out loud?
Like what does Nulara do when she sees the word banana inscribed on this very crystalline globe?
I probably spell it out loud.
B-A-N-A-N-A.
It's probably what I do.
B-A-N-A-N-A.
This shit is banana.
This globe is banana.
So when you say this shit is banana, the globe lights up around you and it illuminates the room 60 feet around you.
Oh, it's a light ball.
I just poisoned all of us and I die again.
No, it's a light ball.
It's like a little flashlight for you, but you have to say banana out loud so you feel ridiculous every time you use it.
Banana!
You're like a minion.
You know as a drift globe.
For drifters.
As you're holding it now begins to hover in front of you.
Fucking sweet.
Hey guys, I can see in the dark now.
You're just like us now.
I can't. I can make light.
So that is very different than seeing in the dark.
But doesn't making light mean you could see in the dark?
But you guys can just see in the dark and stay in the dark and walk? Secretly?
Whereas I have a glowing orb in front of me, which is less sneaky.
That lights up 60 feet.
That's a lot of space too.
So yeah, the drift globe hovers so it doesn't move by itself, but you can place it and then move it yourself.
As long as it's active.
Now can you turn it off by also saying banana?
No, you have to say banana backwards.
And an ab.
Phew, I'm glad I picked banana.
That's an easy word to say backwards.
This has gotten away from us I think.
You say an ab and it doesn't turn off.
I say banana.
Does it turn off?
And then it turns off.
Hey guys, I found a cool glowing orb.
So I'm totally fine that I just died because I've got this cool thing now.
It's your consolation prize.
Flamikins Kins has run over to the hoard areas and she's like, guys, there's some cool shit over here.
Do we have time to like look around?
Yeah, girl, we got time.
I think I have some that poison gas.
It's stuck in there.
Is anyone else noticing this lingering?
Yeah, he hit you real hard.
Thaddeus comes up and he's like, are you alright?
I'm fine.
What kind of stuff do we see?
Everybody make an investigation check and see if you see things.
Excuse me.
Five.
Six.
Eighteen.
Well, Flint's going to do well.
Flamikins Kins gets a fucking 20.
Damn.
I should probably roll for Thaddeus.
Seven for Thaddeus.
Well, it's not like you're out there and you're hunting around and rooting around and it takes you a little while.
But you all come out with something that you find interesting.
So all in all, Nulara, you come out with what looks like an old dirt covered rusty greatsword.
The hilt of it, though, was what caught your eye.
It's engraved very intricately with the face of a dragon.
You had found that crossbow and a quiver, which I had written down had seven arrows.
You spent four of those shooting things.
So just so you know.
But I went and picked them all up afterwards, right?
Yeah.
Whatever didn't stick into the dragon.
I don't know if anything actually did stick.
I don't think I did hit him.
Fair enough.
Flint, you find three different potions.
You find a potion.
The first one is a red liquid with a sliver of something very small you notice floating in it.
You find one that has a yellow liquid and you find another one that has a red liquid.
But as you kind of move it around, it Glimers when it's shaken or agitated.
Like someone just dumped a bunch of glitter in there?
Yeah, not like glitter, but like there's an almost iridescence to the surface of the fluid itself.
Thea, you come out with a pair of boots that look very fancy.
Are they made for walking?
You don't know.
That's just what I'll do.
But you kind of like the looks of them.
They're very well made.
What are they made of? Leather?
Oh yeah, very nice handmade leather.
What color are they?
Brown.
Very nice brown.
Any design on them?
No, it's kind of got this emblazoning of a windy, cloudy scene that goes up the leg.
Are they thigh highs?
These are some fancy boots.
Thea likes it.
Thea puts them into her bag of holding.
Thea writes down, fancy ass boots.
Yeah, you did.
Thaddeus comes out with another potion, which is a clear potion.
But the longer you look at it, there's a small drop of red in it that seems to expand and contract over time.
That freaks me out.
Little beating heart potion.
He also finds...
Like whose blood is that?
He also finds a lovely silk robe that is gold and brighter that he fancies himself.
I run up to him and I snatch it and I go, it's mine.
No, it's mine.
You can't have it. I found it.
It doesn't fit you anyways.
It's a robe.
It's broader in the shoulders.
It's a man robe.
Thea's upset. She gives the robe back to him.
That's so rude, man.
Flamikins comes out and she has found a carved bone statuette.
And shows it to everybody.
I don't know who this is. It's some lady.
And she shows it to you and everybody make a history check if you take a look at it.
Is it a standard lady?
Is it Marge?
We'll find out depending on your rolls.
History?
No, 10.
12.
I have fucking plus 6.
18 for Thaddeus.
Yeah, Nularaaaa and Thaddeus recognize this as Eldeth, the goddess of waterfalls.
Haven't ever heard of her before.
No.
Totally new goddess name to me.
As you continue to hunt around Nularaaaa, you also find a red potion, one that Glimers when shaken just like one of flints there.
Is there one of those like boop boops?
Like a little scanner we can go boop boop and like run all these items under?
Like for a wedding registry?
Like a find your price at Walmart?
Yeah, exactly.
Like it'll just like give us some info on these items or no?
There's probably an imposter carry we can take them to maybe.
Okay. Just thought I'd ask.
I don't know how organized Cooth is.
Maybe he's got a real system here.
Got QR codes on everything.
Thaddeus just kind of shakes his head at whatever is happening right now.
Okay.
Other than that, you find some various maces and swords and daggers, but nothing that really looks of any extra value.
Except for all the treasure around.
Yeah.
Like there's all that treasure too.
Oh yeah, yeah, 100%.
Are you taking in your bag of holding whatever treasure you can fit?
Is that what's happening?
Well, not whatever treasure I can fit.
It's always good to have just a little extra room in your bag of holding.
But yeah, I take a ton of treasure.
This horde looks like kind of like a side horde, like because of all the attacks happening.
Maybe this was where he set up base recently, but this is not his horde.
He's got different hordes and different area codes.
Can I dive through it?
Like Scrooge McTag?
Sure.
You can try.
It's going to hurt.
Among the small horde, there are 10 gold trade bars from Baldur's Gate, which somebody had seen.
I saw those.
There are 10 platinum pieces, 120 gold pieces, 2,400 silver pieces and 8,000 copper pieces.
I take everything worth gold and higher.
I'm not going to nickel and dime the place.
He'll come back and be like, everything is gone.
Maybe I do want to take everything.
Maybe I want to be like, yeah, fuck you.
And then I carve fuck you into the wall.
We're going to leave the silver and copper for the elven prisoners.
They can take that back.
Sure.
Yeah, those elven prisoners.
I think they're all dead.
We're going to find out.
I guess we should like we're just milling around in this room.
So what's our plan of getting out of here?
What do you want to do?
My pockets are full.
Let's go back the way we came and see if any of those elves who are being held prisoner are still alive.
Prisoner slash being guards.
Yeah, I think that's probably a good idea.
I saw.
I heard a lot of screaming.
Yeah, I'm not.
I'm not hopeful, but we should at least look.
Plus, that's the exit anyway.
So what order are we going in?
Oh, God, I'm tired of dying.
I didn't say you're dying.
It's a very fine, fine hallway, very narrow hallway.
I'm not saying you're dying.
You're implying that I could.
All right, so Nularaaa is in the middle.
Thea will be last.
So you guys head back out the way you came.
And as you get closer to the main entry area where you were, you hear the grumbling sounds of ogre type of ogre type creatures.
Oh yeah, those dinks.
Yeah, you just hear grunting and grumbling and yelling.
Can we try to sneak by?
Can we try to pass without a trace?
Sure.
Yeah, OK, so I cast pass without a trace and we'll try and be sneaky.
Everybody roll a stealth.
That must have been really great.
Twenty five.
Twenty seven.
Twenty one.
Nineteen.
Delaine and Laska too.
Did you fuck it up for us?
Laska got really good.
But as you guys are walking out, Delaine like kicks a rock.
And no one notices.
And screams so loud because otherwise it's like a rock.
Oh shit.
My toe.
Which draws the attention of the Etans and they say, hey over there, you guys, you got his stuff, didn't you?
Russ just wanted to do the Etan voice again.
I did.
It was pretty fun.
No, we didn't take anything.
Roll a deception.
You don't get plus ten on that.
Oh, fuck off.
I got an eleven plus a deception.
Two.
He got a nat 20 on its insight.
This is the most insightful he's ever been.
Yes, I am the smartest one of all.
And I know that nobody goes in.
I mean, I'm surprised you came out alive.
But nobody goes into the dragon hoard and comes out with nothing.
And they pull their.
Are you saying that you have gone in to the dragon's hoard and taken things on your way out?
We were about to.
That is extremely unethical.
You notice one of them is by up to its waist in the pool trying to figure out how to get underneath where the dragon had come out.
So we were we were going to.
Dragon left in a big huff.
He's not coming back.
Ever?
Fuck who cares?
We'll be long gone.
Well, we we didn't take everything.
Yeah, help yourself.
Get in there.
Get in there, man.
You know what?
You've been working your ass off for this guy.
You go in there.
You take his treasure.
Yeah, I feel I feel like I want to squish her.
No, no.
And I throw a gold bar at them.
They say we left more back there.
They're too heavy to carry.
It bends down and picks it up and looks at it.
And it's like, OK, you took one.
That means you probably have more.
I still want to squish you.
No, I said they're too heavy.
Do I look like a strong creature to you?
It charges towards you.
Roll for an issue.
Nah, I tried, guys.
Nineteen.
Twenty.
Thirteen for me, Russ.
Oh, and three for Thaddeus.
You want to roll off, Carla?
Oh, did you get a twenty as well?
I got a twenty.
OK.
And then I rolled a five.
OK.
I got I rolled a three, but do I add again?
So then eleven.
Flame Ekin's got a four, so you can put her down by five.
Flame Ekin's got a four.
We'll wait until the first wave comes and then we'll go get them.
So the ettins are up first.
Fuck.
Kiss my ass.
One is like stuck in the pool.
She's like trying to get out, but he looks like he's kind of caught by something.
The main ettin charges at Thea because she was talking shit.
And they get to make two attacks, one with their battle axe and one with their morning star.
Great.
Battle axe.
That's my favorite combo.
That's a seventeen.
Well, that will hit me, I guess.
And a seventeen.
Yes.
So with the battle axe, that's eight slashing damage and then sixteen piercing damage.
Whoa.
That's a good roll.
The other one charges forward with quite surprising speed for such big creatures towards Flint.
Oh, that's a twenty five on the first one and a twenty not critical on the second one.
Sure.
So for the battle axe, seventeen slashing damage and then thirteen piercing damage.
Okay.
And then it is Nularaaaa's turn.
Great.
Well, I'm going to pull out Flametongue, say Mui Caliente, so that it's all lit up
and ready to go.
And I guess whatever one is closest to me.
Yeah, I'd probably say the one that attacked Thea.
Okay.
Then I'm going for that one.
Wait, it's technically the last in the line there, so.
That is a twenty, not critical.
Battle hit.
Okay.
So that is eleven damage on that one.
Going to take another swing at him.
That is a twenty five.
That is ten damage on that one.
Donnie will come in for a little chompy chomp.
Donnie got a twenty, not critical.
And he gets three damage.
And they have to do a con saving throw.
I hope this is one he knocks unconscious because it's cute.
Oh, and that's a fifteen.
Yeah, okay.
He's fine.
Would have been dramatic, though.
Okay, I'm going to hit the one that hit me.
Yeah.
I'm going to hit it with Toll the Dead, which means he's going to get 2d12 necrotic
damage and he needs a wizard.
So the creature that is within my range, the fucker on me, is we they're going to hear
the sound of a delorious bell.
I don't think that's Dolores.
Thought you were going to say Delorean.
Me too.
I was like, wow, I didn't know we had those in this universe.
It fills the air around it for a moment and the target must succeed on a wisdom saving
throw.
Ten.
Yeah, that's not it.
He must take 2d12 necrotic damage because he's already taken damage.
Ten damage.
Flint.
I would like to roll an insight check on these giants and see if I can figure out
any weaknesses of theirs, perhaps.
Sure.
That is a 16.
But since I have advantage on insight checks against giants, nope, so that 16 is going
to have to stand.
You know that they are very hard to blind, charm, deafen, frighten, stun or knock
unconscious because they have two heads.
Okay.
Go for the bellies.
As for weaknesses, you know they're big, so they're pretty easy to hit.
Okay.
But they have no real...
So like axes are a weakness or like...
Slashing, poking, flooding.
If you have anything that explodes, they're tickling.
They hate the tickle monster.
Okay.
I'm going to use a bonus action and pick the Etten that's fighting me and next time
I do damage to it, I'm going to add 1d8 force damage to that damage.
Alright.
And I'm going to attack them with my axe.
It's a 22.
Yeah, we'll hit.
Excellent.
23.
So you take a big chunk out of this Etten in front of you and he doesn't look too happy
about that, lets out a bellowing roar.
Sweet, and I'm also going to use a healing surge because that attack hurt me.
That's probably a good idea.
10 hit points back.
Also roll a d20 for me.
Okay.
That's a 12.
Yeah, so you're good.
Okay.
Laska's turn and Laska says, maybe we should just run.
Yeah?
Because the exit's right around that corner there, no?
They seem like they would be slow to get up that slippery, slippery, slippery.
I'm into it, let's fucking run.
Let's do it.
So Laska, Delaine, Flamekins is like, fuck it, let's do it!
And she sends out a chaos bolt as she's going.
She hurls an undulating, warbling mass of chaotic energy at the biggest one.
I'm going to make a ranged spell attack.
She gets a 16 and she gets to roll 2d8 plus 1d6 damage.
Choose one of the d8s.
The number rolled on that die determines the attack's damage type as shown below
because it's chaotic.
Okay, this one.
So that's 9 damage and it is cold damage.
So 9 cold damage hurls out at this big behemoth.
And it's like, uber!
Uber?
Uber.
No one's coming to pick you up.
So Thaddeus also runs, and then it's the Etton's turn before Nularaaaithea and Flint get to go.
Bye guys!
See you later!
So they've moved their 30 feet or whatever they have.
Laska's fucking gone.
If they dash, don't they move further than 30 feet?
Oh yeah, they move double.
Well, Flamekins didn't dash.
Flamekins moving her 25 feet just as fast as she can, hurling bolts of coal out the...
Dropping bombs behind her.
So Etton1 is going to swing at Thea.
One at Thea and one at Nularaaaa.
Thea, Nularaaaa.
Thea, that's a 23.
Nularaaaa, that's a 12.
Don't roll those.
Don't roll these d20s for damage.
10, 11.
12.
11 slashing damage for you.
Flint, you're going to get one of each.
Okay.
That's an 18 slashing damage.
Oh, that does not hit.
And a 20 piercing damage.
Oh, that does. Yeah, that definitely does.
So the piercing damage, that's 11 piercing damage.
Okay.
Now it's your guys' turn.
You are engaged in combat directly.
So if you decide to run, there could be an opportunity attack with one attack against you.
You could also disengage.
Yeah, that thing.
Yeah.
The thing you guys use all the time.
Definitely.
All your other attack options.
Definitely.
Hide, run.
So combat, disengage.
No one wants to listen to a group of people who are like, yeah, I'm just going to hide.
Sometimes it's okay not to back.
I'm just going to run from my problems, guys.
If you take the disengage action, your movement doesn't provoke opportunity attacks for the rest of turn.
So can you disengage and then run?
Yep.
Because that's an action.
How far?
Can I swing my axe, then disengage, then run?
Well, you guys have two attacks, or two, well, I mean, yeah, you guys have two actions.
You have one single action.
Yeah, so I'll disengage and run, but you guys can do some damage.
Okay, but we could do one more attack and then run, and then disengage.
How far are we from the entrance?
From the entrance, you can presume you're about 120 feet from the main entrance.
It's two dashes.
That's a double dash.
But I can't dash on this one if I disengage.
If you attack and disengage, you can't dash.
But if we just disengage, then we can dash.
That still only gets me 60, right?
And these dudes are big dudes, like they probably have more movement than us.
Okay, I guess I would, it seems like, okay, I'm going to attack the one that I was already fighting.
Okay.
That's the short answer.
That is a 21.
Yeah, 21 will hit.
That's 14 damage.
Going to attack it again.
That is 29.
Assume that hits.
16 damage.
So if I move away, then I can, then I'll be, they could take an opportunity attack?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I guess I'm in it to win it.
We've, I was going to say, Flint tries to bite him.
Flint doesn't try and bite him.
I mean, he bite.
He hasn't had his turn yet.
Donnie is going to try.
Donnie only got a 13.
13 hits.
Whoa.
Well, they are easy to hit.
He said they're big.
It's true.
So that is six damage and he needs to do a con save.
Come on, one.
I think giants have pretty low con.
Yeah.
It's a nine.
Okay, then he is poisoned.
Okay.
So he falls unconscious for one hour until he takes damage or another creature shakes
him awake.
You take your two huge cuts out of him and he gets bitten by Donnie and the eyes glaze
over on both heads, I think.
Yeah, sure.
Wouldn't that be awkward if only half his body fell asleep?
He'd be like pins and needles and the head's like lolling to the side.
Yeah, he falls asleep and he falls to the ground.
Odds are evens.
Which way does he fall?
Is he going to fall in the water and drown?
I think he's going to fall on one of us.
Odds will be forward.
Evens will be back.
So he falls backwards.
So he doesn't land on me.
He doesn't land on you.
Hooray!
Also, Donnie is fucking jazzed, by the way.
So what does he sound like?
He's super excited.
He just took you on a giant.
Guys, guys, did you see what I did there?
I knocked out that fucking giant there.
Oh, he didn't see what was happening.
Shit.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
You did shit, Donnie.
Phew.
Thea, you're up.
So the one that you were attacking is now down.
So you no longer have that opportunity.
I'm going to pick him, but I won't.
Because he'll just wake up.
Thea's like, take that, sucker.
Oh, fuck.
So I can dash.
You can now dash.
Can I take a healing surge and dash?
Yeah, because we pretty much treat that as a bonus action.
Okie dokie.
Flint, your turn, bud.
Okay, so there's one down and the one that attacked me before that I also hit is right in front of me still?
You betcha.
Okay, I'll lay into it with my axe a couple times.
I have a question. Is there one still in the pool?
Like, how the fuck do I get out of here?
He's been trying to get out.
It's a 23.
It's like slippery surface.
23 I'll hit.
Okay.
16, damage.
That hurt.
I was going to say, he's burdenating the countryside.
He's burdenating the countryside?
Alright, this one's a 19.
So that should hit, if I remember correctly.
Oh, crit fail, but it wants a 1.
But I get to roll it again because of my special skills.
19.
Everybody else continues to dash outside.
They've made it around the corner.
They didn't like look back and throw some spells to help us?
No.
They're fucked up.
Just peaced out.
Yeah, no, they're making their way.
They're assuming that you're following behind.
They're solely focused on getting out.
The Etans turn.
The one in the pond is like, guys, I'm trying to get out, but I'm tied by the seaweed.
The other one's like, fuck off, Harold.
Poor Harold.
I'm not Harold.
I'm Carl.
Because they have two heads.
I thought we'd already bailed on the two head concederas.
No, I'm working on it now.
But the other one swings at you.
One's a crit 20.
Oh, yeah.
The other one's a 19 plus 7.
So that's going to hit.
Yeah, those will both hit.
Yeah, so first is first is your crit battleaxe.
It's a good song.
Slashing damage.
12 more piercing damage from that good old morning star coming down on you.
Okay.
I'm real hurt.
It's a gun morning star.
It's an exploding morning star.
Lara, did you run away?
No, you were in battle.
I'm still there.
You are not in direct combat at this point.
Oh, yeah, right, because he fell asleep.
But you are standing beside Flint who is taking morning stars.
Gun morning star damage.
Fair.
Is it just the two of us again?
Just the two of us.
We can make it if we try.
Maybe.
There's your song.
I want to sing a song too.
Shut up, Carl.
Okay, well, I guess I'm going to help my friend.
Yay.
I don't like that exploding morning star on him.
That is an 18.
Yep.
It's 10 damage.
Second attack is a 20.
Not critical.
20 damage.
20 is much better when you don't roll two ones.
20 damage?
20 damage.
Yeah, so how do you kill this Etten?
Yeah.
Oh, it's so fun.
How tall are they?
They're real tall, right?
Yeah, they're large giants.
So they're another person taller than you.
You could use me as some sort of jumping stool.
Because I have this amazing vertical leap.
I was going to say I cut off one of his legs below the knee so he falls and then I chop off a head.
I'm a big fan of beheading at all times.
But I got to get him down to my level because he's so much bigger than me.
I like it.
So I de-legged and de-headed him.
That's perfect.
So that happens and the other Etten calls out.
He's like, I'm coming.
And you see slowly kind of making his way out of the pond.
What do you do?
I'm going to take a healing surge as I run.
Are you two running too?
Yeah, let's just fucking push it.
So yeah, you guys make your way up and out.
And you are back out in the clearing outside the waterfall.
As we ran out of this place, did we not see any of the captured elves?
Yeah, no other elves, eh?
You just fucking ran.
You didn't go down into the...
It's true.
We kind of got stopped as soon as we got into that main chamber.
But are there any out here?
Because they could have also run off.
So that was the plan, right?
That they were going to do a distraction and then every elf for themselves.
Yeah, you don't see any of them.
You do see some of their weapons that have been dropped.
But are uncertain as to where the bodies holding those weapons are.
Weirdly enough, though, we do see the elf on the shelf.
It's always fucking weird.
Nerenvane is really cruel and weird.
So he had an elf on the shelf that he kept hiding around the place.
And it's kind of fucked up.
And the one person who spotted him first didn't get eaten that day.
It was just a fun little game.
Wow, psychological torture from Nerenvane, that guy.
Jeez.
Flammokins pipes up and she's like,
Hey Flint, what's up with your underwear?
As she asked that, you hear from the waterfall.
I'm coming.
And then the familiar sound, which doesn't sound too familiar,
but maybe a little familiar to you of a distant horn.
Blaring air horn, so to speak, or some sort of steam powered engine.
As the giant stands in the crest in the waterfall
and you see his face from behind him,
comes a train that explodes this giant.
Wow.
Oh my God.
What is that?
They're hilarious, aren't they?
Hey there, I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
Thank you for joining us for episode 39 of Dumbgeons and Dragons,
titled On The Way Out.
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The next episode will be out May 23rd,
but let's get back to the action and see where that train's headed.
Have a great couple of weeks.
We'll talk to you soon.
Just kidding.
I've never seen a train before.
I have no idea.
I've never seen anything like that before.
With the insignia of a giant eye,
which is the symbol of the
Guild of the Nine Shadows.
Well, you guys came up with it.
It's true, we did.
I don't remember that.
It comes out and pulls
to a stop down in front of you.
And Delaine and Thaddeus and Flamikinskins are all like
holy fuck, holy fuck, what the shit?
Try and pick out who's voice was what.
Figure it out.
I think I nailed Flamikinskins, I'm not sure on the other two.
Yeah, she was the holy fuck.
The door opens up
and off steps
a tall, well-dressed
older gentleman.
He's in a gray suit,
very nice.
He's got a bushy mustache,
and a pocket watch
that he pulls out and cracks open
right on time, every time there.
Right here on the train.
Alright, he tips his gray top hat to you.
He's like, where do we need to go?
The North Pole!
This is the Polar Express, is it not?
I assume.
It's Tom Hanks, and it's the Polar Express.
You're Flinthian
Nularaaaa, yes?
Yes.
Okay, good.
I was sent here...
That's not the voice.
I was sent here...
No, it was more British.
Not that British.
Not cockney British, but...
Right on time, every time.
That's the one?
Little more whimsical, little more elegant,
little more storyteller.
Storyteller, where is it?
My name is Danson.
Ted Danson?
We didn't meet the last time you were on the train.
I don't know a Ted.
I'm sorry.
But I've been sent to bring you
back to the Guild for a little
stop in visit.
And then on your way,
you clearly have some
business here as he wipes
some of the blood off of the train.
But we'll get that cleaned up later.
Maybe we'll just zip back through
the waterfall. We'll see.
That's a good car wash.
Would we be able to
stop on by
Alton? I'm a little concerned
that that
might be... You know, like
we may have just pissed off a dragon and it's
just gone and burned down an entire village.
I feel like that's on us.
True. Most of them were leaving.
We should still go there, but remember they were all
kind of evacuating.
So hopefully... Were they? I felt like
that was the last town left. Were they all leaving?
They were leaving. Oh, good. Yes, I'm so glad
you're right. Okay.
Yes, yes, yes. We can...
We have the power of the train. We can swing by
wherever we want.
Awesome! Are your friends
coming? I mean, they
can come, but
they're not going to remember.
Well, we could send Delaine
back to Waterdeep.
What do we do with
the Flamikins?
Well, she's definitely coming with us, right?
Is he taking us to the
council or to the guild first?
The guild
first. Where is the guild again?
Mm-hmm.
Where are they?
Where? Do you remember?
Anybody? I remember.
I... My...
I just couldn't remember if that was also
in Waterdeep, which is where
Delaine's going. I have it
in my notes. Give me the first letter.
The guild is in an unknown location. You don't
even know the location. Oh, okay. Okay.
Yeah, hence why we don't remember
the train trip. Right. You guys don't
know, because you guys don't actually
know. Okay. I thought I just couldn't remember.
Thaddeus and
Flamikins, you're welcome
to come with us. Delaine, I
understand if you want to get
back to Waterdeep.
Uh, yeah.
Or come with us on the train.
No, no, no.
Oh, I'm good.
Okay, I'm going to go this way
and dance in
Steps 4. He says, just a moment, sir.
And he's like, just look. Look into
my eyes and listen to the sound
of my voice. And
he starts to wave his pocket watch back
and forth, and he says, this is not
a concern that you'll ever need to
worry about again. And he snaps
the pocket watch closed, and
Delaine
is kind of just a little bit jarred back.
And he turns and says, well, I'll
see you in Waterdeep then.
And he heads
off into the woods.
He is like,
arm outstretched, just like...
Russ, if you could pipe
in that Whitney Houston song
from The Bodyguard, right about now.
And...
Or sing it. Yeah, that works too.
I don't pipe in. I always
sing it. I always sing it. Flamikins is
like, I don't care about your
underwear anymore, dude. Let's get on this thing.
I have so many questions
about why you had questions
about Flynn's underwear. Because he screamed at the
dragon, I've got underwear, or don't have underwear.
Any fucking ways, let's get on
this boat. Alright!
I think it's a train.
Flamikins, I think it's a train.
I've never seen a train before in my life!
And she's already scurrying
up the steps.
That is like fucking... Alright, yeah, let's do
this.
This one leads you to
a few rooms. Who's bunking with who?
I'll bunk with Nulara.
Flamikins,
you can talk more about
to Flint
about his underpants situation.
Alright,
let's go talk, bud.
Sure.
I'm sorry, but I'm not.
You're not sorry.
And Thaddeus takes his own room.
I figured, you know, it's like 80.
And
Danza says, we'll swing right by out in there,
don't you worry.
And he goes back up to the front of the train
and the train begins to pull away.
We tune in with
Nulara and Thea, who
are discussing things.
Okay, um, Thea is like
unpacking her shit. So what's going on with
Delaine? This is what I want to talk about.
Oh, this is what you want to talk about. I have different things to talk about.
Oh, do you have real things to talk about?
Because apparently I want our characters to talk
about, like, your love life.
Oh, okay. Thea sits down on one of the
benches that are in the carriage
or, like, the, I don't know.
Oh, they're swanky beds.
Oh, they're swanky beds. Oh, yeah.
First class, all the way.
So Thea, like, sits down on the silk sheets
and, like, rubs them and
goes crisscross applesauce and is like,
well, nothing.
But
maybe once
this is all over, we will
see each other again if, you know,
if fate wants it
to happen. It'll happen. Okay, and no
judgment, but what about Salazar?
Are you still, you still
nothing? Interested? Well, it's just
it's been a long time since we've seen him.
Yeah, we'll see what, we'll see what fires
are rekindled there.
Okay. I don't know. Um, so
you, like,
you, like, kind of, like,
almost died back there.
Yeah, that happened.
Um, here's the thing.
We're not very good
at fighting dragons.
Yeah. We keep trying.
And our will is strong.
But our flesh is weak.
So Thea's like,
mm, I feel that, but she's thinking
about something totally.
So I,
um, you know,
we're going to have to
stop Tiamat.
And
Dragon.
Uh, so that's a bit worrying.
But, you know,
I'm sure it'll be fine, right?
We'll be fine. Yeah.
I, I think so. And,
you know, like, if you ever want to talk
about, you know,
if you saw anything
or, like, I'm super curious. Like,
did you see a light? Like, what,
what was that like?
It, it kind of was just
just, hmm.
Like, it was Grancis saying, get the
fuck back there.
Oh, boy. You're not done yet.
Boy.
Oh, God. It's Grancis'
soul position now is just to kick your
souls back into your body.
Oh, if, um, anyone
could please
maybe, like, sketch
us up a little something of Grancis
like roundhouse kicking Nulara's spirit
back into her body,
that would be really fantastic.
I would put it right,
right up here with my wolf.
They can't see where I'm gesturing.
This is an audio medium. Yeah, they can.
But I can. You
can. And it's right up above my head.
Yes. That's true.
So that'd be great if someone could do
that. Um, yeah, Nulara
can't tell Thea about,
because you know how Thea feels about Grancis.
I don't want to. I don't want to tell
her that's what's waiting for her in the afterlife.
Oh, shit. Well, I know
it might be more motivating for Thea
not to die. I don't want to
see that motherfucker again.
I am never dying.
Uh, Thea goes, can I braids
your hair? Uh, totally.
We get
real girly when it's just the two of us.
It's true. You know, I feel
Nulara's a lot softer
when she doesn't really
need to be putting on, like, a fighty
face, like, because it's different. She seems like, yeah.
Grew up with all those bros,
right? Like, I'm used to being around dudes.
So when it's just like me and my girl, we're just
hanging out. It goes by
after a little while, goes by
Altand, and you see that
the city is, in fact,
um, evacuated, and
there's nobody else there.
It doesn't look like the dragon has come back.
Like, there's no extra damage from
when you left. Good. Well, also, we did
hurt it a fair bit, I think, so
it probably isn't going around
like trying to shit kick at the moment.
That's what I do when
I'm hurt, though. Yeah.
Somebody just means, who can I hurt?
So you hear over
a porn
PA system, and he says,
Alright there, friends. Is everything all good
with this Altand here? Are we good
to head back to the guild?
Yes, Danson.
Onward. And
you guys are just, you just
hang out and it starts to speed away.
Down the hall,
we tune in with Flint and Flamikins
So what the fuck, bud?
Uh, what do you mean?
You got, you got underwear or
not?
Oh.
Everyone wants to know.
The burning question that all of Faerun's
been wanting to ask. I mean, I get that you
trying to throw a dragon off it's
whatchamacallit.
This is a great room, by the way. Better than
any boat I've been on.
BT Dobs, I'm
sticking with you guys until we get back to Waterdeep.
And then I'm gonna find a boat.
Cause, fuck dragons.
Okay.
So. It's fair, I guess. So what's your
deal, man?
Uh, well, see,
um, and I start unbuttoning
the top of my shirt.
And I open
the shirt and show her
the, uh, blue dragon scale
that is growing on my chest.
Whew.
That's weird as fuck.
Uh, yep. Yep.
Uh, so I have this,
uh, this dragon in
my mind. And he
kinda
can randomly just
take over for me
when shit's going south.
So he doesn't wear underwear either.
No, that's our
little, uh, that's our little code to one
another. So I know that he's in charge.
Okay, so have you
told the others?
Uh, nope.
Okay, so we'll just,
okay, so you don't have underwear. And if that
happens, I mean, I'll
pants you and just prove that you don't have underwear.
I,
I mean, that's not really the point, but
sure, knock yourself out. Alright.
Sweet. So can I braid your beard?
Tiny braids on each side,
yes. Done! And
uh, everybody,
everybody kinda just drifts off
to sleep.
Would you say it's a long rest
kinda?
Um, and you wake up
as the train begins to pull into
the station
at the guild, which you have seen before.
Would you say it was a long rest?
And you feel very rejuvenated.
Oh, thank god. Very?
Uh, like long rest rejuvenated.
Rejuvenated.
And you step off onto the platform
and dance and says,
I'll be right here waiting for you
when you're ready to go.
Neat, thanks buddy!
Music
You
Hey we detect
real weird faces
And I'm trying
And I'm trying to look
One third of the skype windows
up.
So
Oh, well, fuck it, whatever.
Sorry, I'm just mumbling to myself.
But you also come out with,
I wrote a very poor list, I'm sorry guys.
Is it venereal disease?
Oh no, Flynn's the only weakness.
Is it a long shaft, jewel-encrusted,
not quite sure for the use of it?
No, no.
Good wait to it though, see if dishwasher's safe.
Okay, also does turn out I can speak giant,
I just was unaware of the fact that I can.
So, sorry about that.
Oh, you knew they were saying get the fuck in there.
Okay, great.
We need to get that hoard before the dragon gets back.
Oh man, we could've waited until they all got in there.
Sorry about that, guys.
That's okay.
Maybe, maybe we can just.
Alaska woman.
Maybe, maybe, I can't remember what voice I used
for the damn wolf.
I think she was just no nonsense.
What the fuck, guys?
I can't remember that.
You gave it a woman.
What the fuck, guys?
Oh my God.
Are you doing this?
Just speaking irregular.
You seem like Christian Slater,
so how are you having to really weirding me out?
Like your movements too, or like,
like baby Jack Nicholson.
Oh, man.
So I'm pretty sure that's what Laska sounded like.
I'm pretty sure I just used a regular voice for Laska.
I don't think I did any sort of affectation to it.
Do the Christian Slater voice.
Maybe.
No, that's different now.
No, that was terrible.
I can't even hold it.
Somebody else would do Donnie's voice.
No, that's Flamey Kinn's voice.
Fuck, park the car on you.
I haven't done Donnie's voice in a while.
The way Laska gets into character is amazing.
And he says, right on time, every time.
No, I need a different voice
because that's the same as every other fucking character.
I get on the train as well, yeah.
Oh yeah, I thought that was just implied.
Yeah, me too, but then there was a pause,
so I just wanted to make it explicitly clear
that I have gone on the train.
The train pulled away.
New Laura's still standing by the waterfall.
She didn't come on.
We'll swing right by Alton there.
No, fuck.
We already established they were all running away.
Yeah.
No, no, no, I want to check on them, though.
No, we should still go, I think.
Oh, is BV still, is BV2 still there?
Hopefully.
He should be the last to go.
He's feeding everyone.
So yeah, Dancin says that they'll go, you'll.
But how does he say it, Russ?
I'm a storyteller.
I'm a, fuck.
Whimsical, you're whimsical, Russ.
Right on time, every time.
Okay, that's the phrase that pays.
Is this a radio station contest?
We'll swing by Alton there right away.
It doesn't fucking matter.
Dancin is, Dancin's all over.
Dancin is accent fluid.
You can't pin him down and be like,
where'd you say you're from again?
And he'd be like, oh, the ground.
Wouldn't you like to know?
Oh, citizen of the world, you know.
We're gonna go swing,
we're gonna go swing by there.
Okay, here's what I think happened.
I think he grew up as a poor Irish kid,
but then got into a higher society
and trained himself to get rid of that fucking accent.
But in times of stress,
it comes out and he can't help it.
I'm a storyteller.
I like it.
Fuck it, we're going.
Okay, whatever, I'll put it in post.
Fuck it.
Surprised New Laura doesn't have like a spiked faux hawk
because she's been around all those dudes.
Yeah, but just because you're around something a lot
doesn't necessarily mean you become them.
I don't know how that works.
I can't believe New Laura's not like, already a dude.
Or that's how that works, right?
I can't believe New Laura's not-
If you run enough testosterone,
you'll just sprout a penis, right?
You do, yes.
Penis sprouting happens, it's a real thing.
Look it up.
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